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9/22/08


Went to church yesterday. There was this one time, a long time ago, when I was going to church regularly for the first time ever in my life. My husband didn't like it. He thought I was doing it on purpose to get time away from him. Ya, well you know, if the shoe fits....

I remember going thru my divorce. I had just got baptized not too long before and was so very unsure- being this new Catholic and all, if I was supposed to get a divorce, you know? I was confused. You are supposed to be married only once. But, what about this? and what about that? I wasn't getting physically abused, but there were other damaging emotional issues that I was going thru with him and so much of the time I wished I were physically getting beat so that I would at least have something to show for the pain he was putting me thru. Kind of like how "cutters" cut to ease the emotional pain that they are in because it is so unbearable.

So, did I have reason for divorce in God's eyes? or was this going to be a terrible sin as a newly baptized Catholic girl/wife/mother?

I was on the phone talking and crying with my bestest friend and time and again before that I would tell her that I swear God is talking directly to me thru the Priest!! I would have a problem and lo and behold the sermon would be about just that.... now not every single Sunday mind you, but those "pivotal moments" of complete crisis and confusion in my life!! I would ponder something and be concerned and confused for days n days, weeks, or months and then Wa!La! just like that a sermon on my problem.

So, after yaking with her on the phone she decided to come to church with me for emotional support.

It was about the escape of Israel out of the bonds of Egypt!! About how yes they should leave and not look back and about how yes it is going to be painful and hard and you must not look back but go forth...... that was the sermon. I cried. She cried. She said that "I guess you got your answer". It was like I was talking to God that morning on the phone and she heard it too.



I will always remember that as being this HUGE pivotal moment in my life.


I had one of those yesterday at church, again. So much so that I had to call my bestest girlfriend and tell her because the whole time I was sitting there in church- years and years later, in a Protestant church, wondering about another relationship I was thinking of that pivotal moment in my life.


Here, for 3 years now I have been confused. I was living differently for the past three years than I ever had before (bad), living with a boyfriend, drinking way too much- WAY TOO MUCH all the time, and stopped going to church.

Like, I went from finding this church with husband #2 10 years ago. Going to church every Sunday and even volunteered Sunday school. Then we divorced and the church stepped in. They gave me counseling and I took solace and comfort in my newly discovered faith- which one shouldn't confuse with "getting baptized" or just "going to church" as faith.

My kids and I went every single Sunday for both services. The first one I was in Sunday school class and they were in service and the second they were volunteering and I was in church. It worked out great!

They liked it, I liked it. If we didn't go to church for whatever reason they would freak out come Monday morning and tell me that "it can't be Monday we didn't go to church yet"

Then.... the boyfriend moved in- and I'm scared of marriage, so my thought pattern changed and I didn't think it so bad "living with someone" as opposed to going thru another divorce.

Now, I think I realize- don't know if I've been beaten enough yet on this one- that there is a reason that God wants marriage as opposed to living with someone. It's just a realization mind you, a little fleeting knowledge that creeps up here and there. I won't attempt to "get churchy" and explain. This knowledge is for my personal benefit, for my personal situation and no one has walked in my shoes and I've not walked in theirs.


But, I kinda knew it was wrong for me. I had guilt. I lost sleep over it. I prayed about it (in my own way, please Father, forgive me for this, but I am going to keep doing it and I just want you to overlook it and make it okay- because I believe in you and I love you and I know that you love me and you can make anything right and perfect).


Yea those were my prayers as I lived with a man that I barely knew and started drinking myself into oblivion and quit going to church almost completely.

He was willing to go to church- he even got baptized. It's just with all that hard partying on Saturday night and not going to bed until all hours and having the worst hangover, EVER time and again, I was just not feeling good enough to go. Then missing one or two times turned in to quitting Sunday school because I was "living in sin" and I knew being part of the church "body" that this was unacceptable in the position that I was in and gave me another excuse to miss yet more days without having the guilt, because now I just wasn't allowed to volunteer in that particular position.

So, here it is September, three years later. I have gone to church twice this year (not including yesterday). Once was to check out the new pastor. I didn't like him. Used that for an excuse not to go. Another was when Kurt Warner, the Arizona Cardinals quarterback, came and did a sermon. Those were the only two times.

I have had a bad year with all the stuff, mom stuff, kid stuff and then (ex)boyfriend stuff. I heard the calling- again- and thought I really do need to go back. Just before the (ex)boyfriend and I split up in the very beginning of summer I was able to go back to church and do the "Sunday school" thing again.

A few times I had inquired here and there to make sure the policy hadn't changed, mostly to alleviate my guilt and try and make myself have a commitment that would make me go to church regularly again.

Then the church structure changed. A lot of things changed at our church and I inquired again and then on one of the times that I actually went to service, I ran into my old supervisor and she told me she had been praying about it and had brought it up to... someone... and that they were going to make an exception.

I felt good, privileged- on my way back to church again. Started going and doing it- . Then the frying pan and my boyfriend was cheating and I knew when she said she had been praying and I knew when they let me come back that God had ulterior motives for my life. HE is just not going to bend the rules because I am his spoiled and privileged little precious daughter. Ooooohhhhh Noooooo........ HE HAD A PLAN. Uh huh, the frying pan!!

And I had this calling, again. I printed up local Christian churches in my area and had planned to attend one or more of them until I found just the right one, or talk with some of the people that left our church when things changed so drastically, to see where they went. But, I hate change. I am not good with it and I got an email from the pastor (generated church wide) and in his email he talked about change- not only change in our church, but change in our personal life. Now remember, I don't like change.

I thought uh-oh I have to go to church. I really haven't given the new pastor a fair chance. I am glad that I went. The sermon was good. God had a really good talk with me. Now I have to figure some things out without getting hit with the frying pan.

"re:direct" re: the art of starting over based on Joshua ch1&3



....for you have not passed this way before... as in it may seem like I am going thru the same ol' same ol' with the cheating men and with being alone AGAIN, but he says this time around I am a different person going thru what appears to be the same thing with a different person.


He wants me to have faith, courage, commitment to "cross over the threshold", crossing the threshold is a part of moving forward. He wants to teach me the benefits of embracing change.

The entrance into a new opportunity; not to stay or go, but to obey or not (frying pan). He specifically spoke to me about... 1)being in an unhealthy relationship 2) my church involvement and 3) my abuse of alcohol. Those were specifically mentioned by the pastor.



Of course they were!


The entrance into a new way of doing things; stripped of my comfortability and my security to strengthen my dependence on him. Embrace a new way of following him. Some things we make permanent what God intended to be temporary. The pastor thinks we need to put an expiration date on things. That is something to ponder. On what I wonder? Exactly, in my life....


The entrance into a new beginning always begins with new commitments.

Crossing over thresholds means crossing that boundary of security and comfortableness.

What thresholds have I crossed over in my life?? From as far back as I can remember??


One thing that I know for sure, like FOR SURE FOR SURE is that I need to be comfortable and embrace being single and to think with all of my heart and soul that I would rather be alone than be in a relationship not of God. I have to get that thru my thick skull or nothing will change in my relationships with men. They will always appear to be the same thing over and over again. The drugs or the cheaters......

That is for sure a threshold as far as "relationships" go with me. I must commit to keep my drinking under absolute control or quit. Simple as that. I have known this for sometime, but just never wanted to do anything about it. And I must I must i know for sure get back on track with church- even if it does mean finding a new one, which I hope not.

Now getting my bigger kids to go and be committed after I f'd it all up will be quite the task if at all possible!! Thresholds, smesholds.

And then.... just some other random stuff to ponder on later, to fix, to improve, to rewrite......


But, mostly my whole life God has been a calling of some sorts, for years and years


I kept getting this crazy feeling, or thought or something about how I needed to go to church. I would have it for like months and months and then it would go away. And then it would come back and go away- for years this happened to me. My step mom and I used to always talk about going to church. She wanted to go to. The only church I ever knew was Catholic and she wanted to go and be one too. She never did.


Then one time I read that, if we are not careful God stops calling our name. If we ignore him long enough..... there is a possibility that he will just quit calling us. That scared me.



I think that is when I started going to St Bridget's. I knew some women from the twins club that went to that church. One of them ended up to be my Godmother. I don't even know her anymore. Carol Sullivan. I think of her often. The last time I seen her was at Word of Grace. She was going thru a divorce- he had cheated on her and left her for a younger woman, she had "the perverbial rug" pulled out from underneath her and a friend had brought her to church.



I was insensitive- she had a broken heart- I hadn't had one yet. We talked and she asked how I was and (even tho I wasn't and my marriage wasn't) I lied and said that life was great! and my marriage was great! Mostly, I didn't think she would want to hear that things were bad for me too. Now I know I hurt her and I know I invoked anger in her with my words. I went thru it shortly after that! AND then and ONLY THEN did I realize that I had hurt her. That was the last time I saw her. I think of her often. I pray for her often. I would like to be her friend again.



So then,......



You go to church and take a class here and there and inevitably you hear people's stories about "becoming Christian" this "pivotal moment" in their lives and just like getting hit with a frying pan they "got it", most after years and years of going. Ah the testimonials. They really are terrific and bring tears to the eyes, but I NEVER had that.

There was just something, always something there. I have always my whole entire life believed in God. For the majority of my life until I was... I don't know, maybe in my 20's even, I thought, literally every one in the whole wide world just knew there was a God and believed in him. I truly thought this. Even if they didn't act like it- for I didn't "act" like it. I just knew always that he was there.

So, I never got to have a "pivotal moment", my life is more like a series of pivotal moments, learning lessons, because I too have to be hit over the head with a frying pan- more than once or twice! God literally has to beat me 1/2 to death and then I go... "are you talking to me???- cuz I really thought you were talking about him or her, or them, but not me- I'm not like that, I don't do that, I don't think that, I wouldn't be like that" and come to find out "Oh Yes You Are" after I am reeling from the 3rd or 4th blow with the frying pan, why yes I am just like that aren't I? Or, I am supposed to do that, aren't I? I am supposed to be like that, aren't I?

So, I never really had a story a "testimony" to share..... until I was like 40



I was a single mom and this was my 40th birthday coming up. I was laying in bed and thinking I do want something for my birthday, I DO! But. it's not like I can say "hey kids"- they don't have money. So, where else did I have to go but to my Father. So, I was talking to him and said. It's my 40th birthday. What I'd really like is a car. I really need a car. I know that money isn't an object for you and speaking of money, a little extra money would be great! Oh! and a boyfriend for I am lonely. I know that you can do all these things. I may not deserve them, but you could provide them. Not, that Im expecting anything at all. I don't know if I even deserve these things, but it says that I can ask for anything and so..... I am. And I did, with the heart and mind of a child. Just me giving Dad my big Christmas list so to speak.



On my 40th birthday party I even announced it that I made my request. A couple of months later I was told by my ex-husband that I had to refinance our house and take his name off of it. So, I did. In the process I ended up with money enough to buy me a car and I had money left over and by December I had a boyfriend.



May not have been the perfect of perfects, but all of my requests were granted. That is my very first testamony!



10/03/08- I think. T.G.I.F



I haven't been to church in two weeks. Well, I went last week for the two year old class. I was going to stay for second service, but found out there was no second service anymore. Crazy how much church has changed! I wonder what our attendance is?? We went from four services to two when the pastor semi- retired!



I even thought about changing churches, but na.



Our church started a fast this week. No alcohol, no caffine, no meat and no deserts. Well....... I think the first mess up was right after Tommy's funeral I ate a sandwich- with deli meat. I didn't care, I was being reblious. Then I was craving a soda. Nothing goes better with a sandwich and chips than a soda. BUT, I held strong thru that one... ya it was hard. So I get back to the office and co worker offers me a nice cold diet coke. Im glad the strong craving is gone or that would have been all she wrote!! I declined.



Then a couple of hours later, I get that weird chest pain again. BAD. I hate that, feel like Im gonna have a heart attack! It was probably the anxiety from not having the soda!! I drink the soda (it is like gas pains in my chest and YES believe it or not carbination works). And it comes back later that night at home and I have no soda, but I have a beer. So I had ONE beer. ONE.



So, really REALLY screwed up that day!!



Yesterday I had an appt with my son and we went to Jack N the Box for breakfast after. I ate meat again. I really didnt think about it when I was ordering. I was thinking of leaving off the sauce and the cheese and how much better it tastes with the sauce and the cheese, BUT I remembered no caffine. So I didnt' order the soda (again) that I wanted. And last night with the migrane at home I drank four beers.



Tonight is a wedding too! Sunday is a babyshower (yes, we drink at baby showers, birthdays- even if its a kids, weddings, bar b q's, holiday's, Friday nights, Saturday nights, football season ect..... WE DO THAT around here). I'm wondering how Im going to hold out. Hmmmm......



Well, I did change my rountine a bit and that is making me feel good. I have time slots in the morning so that I am not lost on the computer for two hours. Yoga is at 5:15, just like a class. Shower is no later than 6:am which is right now so I have to go. Wake the kids up at 6:15. Clean/ and breakfast until 7 and be ready by 7:30!!!



So far everything going good but the be ready by 7:30. That only happend yesterday AND then I had the appt with my son and had to sit around for 30 min. before we left.



Ahhh.... such is life.....



10/12/08

Didn't make it to church last weekend. Had a terrible hangover. TERRIBLE!! I wanted to go so bad too. Today is a Sunday school day so no service for me.



I started off my "staycation"- as so dubbed by a co-worker for those of us who use vacation time and stay at home.



My staycation started off terrible. At first I had money. Lots of money if I were to so choose. Then all went haywire the eve of the beginning of my staycation, at the store no less, with three of my kids. At the check out I tried one card.... should have had $160 on it (lots of money to me). Now on this one (as I had the kids with me) I could have over spent. I was thinking, at the time, that I had $200 on it so.... but not to worry I have my main acct card with me too. $300 in savings and $300 in checking. I KNOW this because I just transferred money from savings to checking to be able to pay my house payment. I had some house payment money in my wallet also in the form of child support and a monthy expense check from work- and the rest coming in my next direct depsoit the day after the beginning of my staycation. Soo I felt RICH!!!



That card didn't work either. Its a small bank so no one was able to help me at that time of night (maybe 7:30). Soooo off to the bank we go while the groceries all bagged wait for us in the cart. Talk about embarrassing!! I have NEVER had that happen before!



My checking acct bal.? ZERO!! My savings acct bal.? ZERO!! WTF??!!



Well being diligent and not wanting to forget to make my house payment I had gone on line earlier in the week and made a payment to be taken out the Monday after my staycation. And YES, you guessed it....... BUT NOOOO, they took it out that day. Earlier in the day, that day of the beginning of my staycation. So, I have NO MONEY now. NONE.



I will worry about it tomorrow, I think. I still have money in my wallet to cash. Well come to find out the next day, a personal, out of state check is VERY hard to cash- impossible. My main acct was farther in the hole than what I had in my wallet because of the mortgage company, so I still had no money.



I stood in the kitchen that morning crying to God. I want money. I am so tired of being poor and so tired of this and of that and what was I going to do this weekend. I needed grocery money out of it (hell my house payment was made, right??), and gas money and and and. The next thing I know my daughter just hands me $120 to do the shopping that I wanted to do the night before.



I cried. This meant a lot.



She has been wanting to get contacts and had been saving her money, but can't go down unless I am with her seeing as she is not 18 yet. Earlier that morning when I was busy taking care of things around the house that didn't require money, and in my stressed out about money moment, kinda yelled at her and told her I DIDN'T want to go to any appt- she could wait until she was 18, I HAD THINGS TO DO!!!!



She gave me the money after that, when I thought there would be no hope for money until after my staycation weekend!



So, I cried. What a selfless act! Especially after I had been so snappy with her!!



God told me two things later in the day, on my way to spend that money. #1. He answered my prayer. It might not have been the multi- million lottery that I was talking about when I was asking him for money that would allow me to be a stay at home mom and swim in my pool when all of my chores were done, BUT none the less, he gave me exactly what I needed "just enough". I was grateful and thanked him.

I -most of the time- think that I am not that great of a mom. My friends and family and whom ever tell me different, but they are not there day to day when I am screaming and yelling (a herited trait) and they are fighting like they hate each other and I keep thinking that when I fell so far from church, so did they....



When she gave me the money I ask how is this possible that she would do this after I got snappy with her....



#2 God told me it was my parenting..... I taught my daughter this by my own actions, that aren't so bad sometimes. That is what I got from him on Friday, the second day of my staycation that made me feel so good...... And I got my accts cleared up on that day and had money for Saturday and even money for after church today.......



Life lessons, they are all around us...... daily... just ask!



12/24/08



It's been a while to journal on this particular post. That's because I haven't been to church since then.



I went on Sunday.



He talked about self worth, or more like self image. Maybe I am getting self esteem mixed up with self image. I will have to work on figuring that out. I think I have more of a self image prob.



I am glad that I went - no matter, but I need to make a habit of it. I wanted to stay home and clean, and it would have been a good time to do that with no kids, but I was a good girl and Im glad! Habit, habit, habit like my life before!!



12/28/08- Im pretty sure anyway. It is Sunday.



Well the sermon was interesting today, in the fact that I knew what he was talking about, but honestly I am not sure if he made a point.



He kinda (by my notes anyway) started out about how Israel fell away from God after Joshua died ( in Judges) and started worshiping idols n stuff and their relationship with him was just medeocre.



That was really kind of interesting to me because I kinda liken my life to the Israelites, in the fact that I had this life changing stuff in a church class that I took for a whole semester the year before I turned 40. She talked about how significant 40 was in the Bible. I journaled it once- like the flood, 40 days and 40 nights, like Lent is 40 days, like the Israelites wandered in the desert for 40 years- that kind of stuff.



So, I have 10 years to be 40. I feel like I have wandered in the desert for 40 years (that class was a real turning point in my life, a real lesson that I learned about a lot of things that I still remember to this day), and I was real close to God and then I really fell away the last three years, hard and far and fast!! I now have a lukewarm relationship with God and the funny thing is he used this analogy to describe it in such a GOOD way!!!!......



He was talking about having a girlfriend in highschool and how he had one of those big cars with the full front seat that could fit 3 people. He said like how in the beginning of their relationship how she sat right next to him in the front seat and then after awhile their relationship cooled off a bit and she sat farther and farther away from him. Then, one day she wanted to talk about what happened to them, why they didn't sit next to each other anymore. He said look I am the driver- I HAVE TO SIT HERE, YOU are the one who moved.



And he said that is much like us.



There comes a time when we stop feeling God's presence in our lives. It's not like he isn't there and I freaked out the first time I felt that and then years later realized it happens to all of us sooner or later. Some sooner, some later, some for a longer period of time or more often and we wonder where God is. He pointed out that WE (she in his analogy) moved away from him. He is still exactly where he was before. Interesting. So, he says, instead of asking God "where are you?" we should be asking "what have I done to move away from you?"



That is mostly what I got out of his sermon. How Israel (me) moved away from God.



He also talked some about David's integrity, how Jesus was a carpenter and in James he says to consider it all joy-



like when we are in our trials because it is in our testing period- like school, always being tested. If you fai, you have to retake the test in a different manner or over and over until you pass it. Some of us are stuck in the same class for years and years. We are all at a different learning level.



- we are being tested and we should look at it as working toward a promotion and how James understood that.



A little jumpy if you ask me, but it did pertain to me and how I think. It will give me some things to ponder for the week that's for sure.



01/30/2009



Went to church, Spring of Life, a couple of weeks ago- three actually- with Jen and Corey, they even put Elli in class and she didn't even cry!! Ben, Chris, Bess, Erin and her two little ones came too! It was kinda cool. A small church. I think I will try and go with them every other weekend.



This weekend I have Adi and Aaron and we are going to try Grace Community. That is one of the schools that they might be going to. So, I thought that we would check out the church!!



I missed it two weeks ago because I had Emma and Emma WON'T go to a class (her parents taught that to her from the first time I wanted to take her to church) and there is NO WAY I would bring her in to service! NO WAY!! I really wanted to go too! I couldn't get ahold of Jeffrey.



I think I'm going to have to set some "babysitting" limits with her parents!



Hopefully church will be good and we will have found a new "home" even if we do go to Spring of Life every other weekend.



AND....



Is it wrong to say a small prayer for the Cardinals to win the Superbowl??



04/08/09 (I think, it's Thursday)



Didn[t pre-read where I left off except that I was talking about Spring of Life. Well, we have started to go to Bethany Community. Aaron and Carol are going to put the kids in Christian school. I think both anyway. Adison for sure. I started at Grace Community- I went once. I didn'c care for the sermon. It was a racial theme- the pastor was not white- and it really seemed irrelevent to what the title of the message was. I couldn't place them together and it angered me for several days afterward- Like we were all racists or prejudice. I kept thinking that back then "race" was not necessarily the color of the skin (they were all brown- middle eastern), "race" to me meant the area you came from, your religion (being a jew- a non jew would be out of your race). He said there were other prejudice things and he didn't mean just color- but he talked about that in one paragraph- being old, fat, rich or poor. ONE paragraph- but he wasn't just talking about the color of one's skin for an hour and 1/2. It kinda rubbed me the wrong way.





I like Bethany so far. I would have kept going to Grace in spite of his lousy sermon, everyone has a point that they are trying to get across- it just seemed to me his was personal and he was making it public- BUT, Adi shadowed at Bethany and when I found out that they too had a church attached to the school and went, I discovered that they had so much to offer. Aaron goes every Wednesday night as well as Adi. I take a Crown Financial class that night (6 weeks into a 10 weekseries), there is a very active singles class. They just don't meet on Sundays only and it doesn't feel like a meat market. They go to lunch after church, they go to dinner a night or two a month, they have adult activities as well as kid activities. So far I like it.



We are once again active every Sunday and I have even been going when it is not my weekends with the kids! I think for Easter tho. I would like to go to WOG (I know the name has changed, but it will always be WOG to me, I think)



The sermons are not Gary Kinniman and the music is not the Gathering band (I love it hardcore- well hard core for church anyways), but like Gary always said- we are a consumer driven society and with everything else Bethany has to offer me and my family.... I think we'll stay awhile.



I still go to WOG. I love it there. They are really just in a huge transition right now. We'll see how things go. I just picked Bethany because that is what Adi decided to choose for school and maybe, just maybe she will make some friends now and over the summer so that she will have friends when she starts school in the fall.



Thats all folks..... for now. I will be running late for work if I don't get a move on!!1